I miss you. I miss our banter, how we'd laugh at each other then wonder why we were laughing in the first place, which only made us laugh harder. I love the way we used to text and it would just be one word, but it would start a whole day's conversation and it would be hilariously random. We used to talk all the time, and often our phonecalls would have laughter AND tears at the same time, and I'd casually stroll round the house while we chatted. I loved the way we used to chat about guys, discussing things we'd never dream of discussing with anyone else. We could chat about anything, know what we were both thinking with just a brief glance between each other. I miss the dancing we used to do - completely crazy, and we'd both end up sweating as though it was 5000 degrees. I loved the way that you'd cheer me up if I was down, even if I wasn't anywhere near you. You could always just talk to me and I'd start smiling. You aren't my sister for nothing. There was a reason we met, and now that we don't talk, I'm not the same person I used to be. I still sit and look at my phone, willing it to vibrate, to lift it up and see your name with the message symbol beside it, with some random message that doesn't make sense to anyone but us.
There are so many good memories too. Like that time we were at a festival in the caravan, the morning after the night before, and I'd bought a little vibrater because you dared me to. We took it out and we let it dance around the table, while we laughed on the sofa's, tears streaming down our faces at this stupid little lipstick-shaped toy. It may have looked stupid to anyone else, but to us, it was totally hilarious.
And all those times at festivals where we'd just have a total giggle to ourselves, making funny faces and taking photos, documenting memories that I'll never forget. It was magic and I wish I could turn back time and revisit those days, because, hell, I really miss them. You're my best friend, my sister, my partner in crime. That night off the bus, I only asked because I could trust you and I knew it would go no further. I don't know whether it was the 3 days of no sleep or just the fact that I mess up now and then, I'm not sure. But I've regretted it ever since. I don't know if you'll ever speak to me again, but I really hope you do. There's a hole in me that you used to fill, and no matter how hard I try, nothing can take your place.
Your pictures are still on my wardrobe doors, in my photo album, and I'll never take them out, because you're still family to me. I can't help it. I can't turn back time. I can only look ahead to a future that looks bleak without your laughter. But, I also can't make you talk to me, or forgive me, or anything like that. It's up to you if you ever want to let me into your life again. I'm sorry for everything I've done, but I can't turn back the clock. Oh how I wish I could.
If I could have anything for Christmas, it would be you to just speak to me, talk everything through and sort it out. That would make the day. Start fresh for 2011 and not look back. I can dream...
Love you, sis. x
