Change

So, my plans of last night have changed completely. After a fairly sleepless and interrupted night, I'm not going to get my hair done, and I'm not going to town to get my shoes. I'm also not seeing him, so I'm totally gutted and currently sitting in my bed with my Batman hoodie on. I'm tellin' ya, I'm Batman. But yes, enough of the randomness. The bottom line is that I'm feeling pretty pathetic today. There's been more snow overnight and it's really windy. So much for the British Summertime beginning last weekend. So far, summer has consisted of wind, rain and snow. Doesn't it sound rather like winter?

Hmm. If only I could see him :( I think I know why I get down. I've had a eureka moment, I do believe. You know that thing when you're affected by the weather, ie. smiling when it's sunny, depressed when skies are grey, that kinda thing? Well, I think I may have a touch of that. Seriously. During the sunny days, I was fine! But now that the greyness is looming over us once again, I feel poop. Maybe I'm not totally suffering from SAD, but I'm still affected by the coldness and snowy weather :(

I need a bloody hug. I really really do. Damn you, weather. You stop all my planning right in its tracks and make me stay home and not see the person/people I want to see. Why can't you just stop blooming snowing and get to summertime already?!

Well seeing as I'm stuck in the house, I've been practicing a little with the fiddle. Now, I hurt like hell because I'm so out of touch with it. Thankfully, I have my support and a mug of tea. Nothing better. Well, ok, a few things are better, but nothing that I can have right now :( like cuddles, or a night in with the man or seeing Dumpling and playing some tablemat tennis or eating chocolate or... you get my drift. And to make things worse, I have cold feet, no biscuits and no energy. Could this day get any worse? Ohhh don't tempt fate, Doughball. It really could get a lot worse. I'm gonna shoosh about it though.

Hopefully the snow will be a little better by tomorrow, so I might be able to get into town and buy my shoes. And, if all goes well, I might even be able to see him for a wee while. This is all weather-permitting, of course, which means nothing will actually work out like I want it to. Grr. Oh well. Such is life. I guess things will work out the way they're meant to, regardless of how we all feel about it. That's the way the world works, unfortunately, and there's very little we can actually do about it. In fact, there's nothing we can do to change it. Fate is ruler of the world.

C'est la vie.

Beware the Ides of March

I don't know why I called this post "Beware the ides of March", but I did, so there you go. It's time for a wee update since I haven't exactly been putting many posts up lately. Been a little preoccupied with going out with my man or eating munch or going to college or playing gigs or sleeping, so it's high time I had a recap.

So. It's almost been a month since we "officially" started going out, and got my ear pierced. This has been one of the best months in my life, I have to say, and I must say a big thank you to him for listening to me ranting on about this and that, giving me more confidence in myself, and showing me what it's like to feel truly, unbelievably, endlessly happy.

I can't describe how I feel about him, because, well, there aren't enough words. He's my best friend (best male friend, that is. It's a toss-up between him and Dumpling!) and I can always turn to him when there's something bugging me. I know I still struggle to open up to him, but I'm slowly getting there and trusting him more and more every day, which has to be a good thing, but to be honest, it's not been easy. After the last person, I have very little trust left. I don't believe everything I'm told now, but gradually I'm starting to trust him and believe what he says, because I know he means it and it's starting to sink in that he isn't lying to me and isn't going to ditch me for a blonde, leggy twig with boobs. Well, I certainly hope not anyway! Ehehe just kidding. I don't think he'd do that.

I honestly can't believe we found eachother. Being with him is amazing, though it feels like I'm living in a dream. I just don't want someone to pinch me and wake me up from it :) For once, I'm truly, honestly happy and I'm actually comfortable with myself. I don't feel the need to change, because I'm not under any pressure to do so. I still need to change, like opening up more, and losing a little weight to look a bit better, but that's my own personal demons, not being pushed into it by anyone else. I'm proud to be myself. I am Batman.

This weekend I'm off to a wedding in Crieff (Somewhere, Somewhere-shire) and it should be a good weekend! A "pre-wedding get-together" on the friday, followed by the wedding and a dance on the saturday. Got a lovely new dress for it and my plus-one is Rachel. Banter! However, I have no shoes as of yet. That's my plan for tomorrow, since I won't get to have my hair done before the weekend :( Totally gutted, but oh well. I'll have to see what the score on thursday is. Might be able to get it done then and be back in time to see my man. Never know, huh.

If I don't get my hair done on thursday though, I'm going to try and see him again (if he wants to see me, that is!) He might be sick of me by then. To be honest, I'm surprised he's not sick of me already. Saying that, we've been through a lot of stuff in our lives already, so we're well suited in that department. And we like the same music, films, TV, photography, animals,.... dare I continue? Even the same food. Seriously, a night in with us is very dangerous. Monster munch, pizza, honeycomb harvest ice cream, aero (mint!) and bru or vimto or pepsi or rockstar or.... You get the idea. Oh, and we both love chocolate oranges. I just remembered that because I've just started on the one he gave me. Yes, that's right. I didn't eat it the same day I got it. I got it a few days ago and it got lost in the pit that is my room. Honestly, it's only getting worse! He said he'd help me clear it out next time he's round (lovely, ain't he!) but I think if we started that, I'd lose him in the mess! I'm surprised we managed to keep track of each other this long. Saying that, we're normally on the bed... with all the food, my laptop and the remote, you dirty minded bugger. We can behave. And don't bother laughing!

Anyways. I guess it's time for me to go have a nice big drink since I'm thirsty, then head off to bed. I'm intending being up around 9.30am to have a shower then go into town. Need to also tell dad that I'm going in to buy my shoes and want some money. And a lift to the station. Or else I'll take the jeep down (: Might be better since I feel guilty about him taking his new scoob up my road. Really guilty.

Nighty night people.

D for Delirious.x

When boredom strikes...

...you must find something to entertain yourself. If only I knew what to do, it would be ok. But I'm not in the mood to play music, and films aren't doing the trick. So I'm actually doing some work, or have done. Emails have been sent around to various places regarding festivals and gigs and set lists and the likes. I now have nothing else to do, so I thought "why not write a blog?" and here I am: writing random bletherings in order to save myself from becoming annoyed or falling asleep - given that it's only 9.30pm. It doesn't really help that my room's really cold, my radiator's off and my laptop cooler is like an air-con system from Australia. In other words, it's blowing a gale of freezing air.

I really must find something to do, so I might go and read for an hour or something. Let's see, shall we? I might return later, but I'm not sure. Toodles for now.

Dx

Plan!

Well I think it's time for a wee update. I'm happier than I ever thought I could be, and feel so much better about myself. Also lost weight! Seriously, I think happiness is the best aid to weightloss, because for MONTHS I tried to lose a bit of weight, with no success. I was on the last hole on my belt. And now? I've lost weight, regardless of what I've been eating, and my belt is now on the second last hole. A good inch, already! And do you know what I've been eating over the past month? Of course you don't. That's why I'm going to tell you, if you'd just sit still and read instead of fidgeting with the mouse and scratching your eyebrows. All I've eaten is chippies, ice cream, pizza, chocolate, monster munch, and lots of sweets. Seriously, one receipt for ASDA had 28 items on it, 8 of which were alcoholic or energy drinks. It's ridiculous! McDonald's will be lovin' me right now for the sum of money spent in there most days. Been to Burger King as well, and Pizza Hut. All I need now is a Subway again, and I'm sorted. Oooooh and a Jimmy Chungs. Plan, me thinks!

Saying that, if him and I went to Subway, and then on a walk down past the river, then it would be a replay of our first date. Lovely (: Eeeeee I'm such a happy girl. I know I maybe wasn't earlier on, but I am now. He knows how to cheer me up. And Thursday isn't really too far away. This is Monday night. Tomorrow is Tuesday, and I have a booking on Wednesday night, and Thursday will be here before I know it. Like he said, we just need to keep in touch. It'll all be ok. And not seeing him til then will just make it even better (: Can hardly wait.

As far as the weight loss is going, you'll just need to read what I've already said again. Orrrrrrrrrr, just keep reading. It's going. Slowly, but surely, and I'm eating what I like! But. I have a plan to maximise how much I'm losing in a safe way, and also letting me eat what I want and feel healthy and good. During the days away from him, I'm going to be really good. I love baked potatoes, and tuna, sweetcorn, cottage cheese, fruit, and veg. So I can pick and choose between all that, and the odd salad in between, and maybe a steak here and there for good measure. Someone as addicted to meat as I am has no business keeping away from the juicy, tender, loveliness of steak and chicken. On college days and away from him, I behave. When I'm with him, I can eat whatever junk I like! I might still have some of the healthy stuff anyways, because I do actually like it. Plan? I think so (:

Another plan I have is to get more sleep. Get myself into a lifestyle routine. 8-10 hours sleep, 3 meals a day, lots of fluids, and take my tablets. Life will be very very good, if it can get any better than this. Honestly, I've never felt so happy and like myself. I know who I am. I know what I want. I'm working on how to get it. I'm finally comfortable in myself and have a great man in my life. What more could I ask for?

D-d-d-d-d-d-Bob xx

Odd

Today has been fairly strange. I was down in the morning, then had a phonecall from him which totally cheered me up. And then he decided to come see me. Smile much? I think so. He intended to come round for about half an hour. 7 hours later, he goes home. I feel really guilty for letting him sleep here and not making him go home to bed, but I didn't want him to go. I love having him here. Note to self: stop being selfish. Selfish, not shellfish. I'm not a clam.

Roll on tomorrow (: When I finish college tomorrow afternoon, I'm getting the train back to Inverurie, where I'm meeting him and then being taken home. He's staying here too, so I can't wait. Woop (:

You'll never know...

...the one who loves you. Well, actually I do (: These past few weeks have shot past, and I can't exactly grasp what day it is, never mind what I'm meant to be doing. Honestly, life's been a blur since I met him, but the greatest blur in the world. Time's slowing down now, back to normal rate, and I'm having the time of my life. Feel like I've known him all my life, and that we've been best friends for years. What did I do to become so lucky all of a sudden???? Seriously, there's gotta be something. Maybe my prayers to the various deities up there actually worked. I just hope they tell me who they are, so I can thank them properly.

Eeeeeee I'm honestly so happy (: Just gonna miss him til I see him next :( Hopefully I'll be able to see him on wednesday. It's gonna drive me crazy not getting cuddles tomorrow. Nothing like a cuddle when you're feeling crap :( The parental went a bit psycho tonight, just as we arrived and were sitting chatting outside the house in his car. Pup ran away - after the parental swearing a lot, he pegs it - and wasn't found on initial searching. I'm not sure if he's home yet. I best go check, huh?!

Well, turned out the dog wasn't home, and I had to sneak out the front door and go find him. Didn't fancy waking the grizzly and making him use the gun on me. Loaded shotgun at an open door. Dog's terrified of guns. Is that honestly the way you get a dog to come in the house when he knows he's in trouble? No, didn't think so. After sneaking out the front door, leaving the lights off, I started the isuzu and set off to look for the mut. Luckily, I had the patience to stop at the first farm and whistle. Also glad I put his collar back on him - it jingles when he moves, so I heard him coming. To say I was glad would be a total understatement.

As for the diet, that kinda fucked up again. My dinner consisted of..... a mug of tea. Strong tea, since I forgot about it when I was feeding the dog. Put the teabag in, then wandered off to give him some more food. Poor bugger was hungry :( But yeah, one very strong mug of tea. And that's about it.

Time for sleep, I think. Not taking my laptop tomorrow, so just on my mobile. Woopdidooooo.

Miss him already :(

Night night,

D-d-d-d-d-d-d-Gizmo xx

Smiles

Officially taken (: Could I be happier right now? I don't think so. Or, well. Actually, yes I could. He could be beside me, and my ear wouldn't be throbbing, but since both things are impossible right now, I'm as happy as I could be. I must say, though, I'm a little upset. Something's been stolen from me :( Not to worry, it's only my heart (: He stole it a couple of weeks ago, as soon as I got into the car that first night. He really is amazing (:

He dropped me off home on Saturday evening, and I got me cuddles before he left, but I was missing him as soon as I saw his car go round the corner at the top of my drive. I just wanted to run after him and tell him to stay. Shame that I couldn't :( As soon as he was home, we were texting and I just wished we were together, so that I didn't feel lonely. Every day away from him seems like a lifetime, and I can't wait til tomorrow to see him again. I don't think I could survive going an extra day! The weekend is going to be hard if I don't get to see him on Friday :(

But anyways. On the weightloss front, I'm not sure how well I'm doing. There is currently nothing to eat in the house, except from bread, butter, yoghurt and cuppa soups. Considering I'm not a fan of packet soup, this leaves me with a very limited amount that I can actually eat. I think it's time we went to tesco again. Seriously, I need to eat sometimes, and when there's nothing in, I just decide to stop eating completely. Surely this can't be good for me? Oh well.

Time to raid the freezer again. Might stick on that spicy pepperoni pizza and some garlic bread. I don't honestly care how I look nowadays. As long as I'm happy, why should I bother restricting what I want to do? I should live life to the full, and I'm starting now. Bring on the carbs!

Night night, folkies. Jeez I miss him.

D for devoted xx

Sea-saw brain

This is how I feel right now: I'm hurting inside, something's not right, I can't work out why, and I just really need a hug. In about 15 hours I'll hopefully get one, and I honestly can't wait. I never thought I'd miss him his much already. I only saw him a few hours ago, but it's like I've been away from him for months. It's totally unreal, but it's happening. I really have met my match. I'm just sorry that I can't open up to him yet. I want to, but experience has taught me to be wary of anyone that says they'll be there for me. With ever day that passes, though, I'm able to talk a little bit more about how I feel, what's going through my mind.

Right now, I don't know where my head's at. I know he means a lot to me, and I'm so happy that I'm with him. I honestly can't imagine not being with him now. He's just wonderful and I couldn't be happier than I am with him. But there's something deep inside me, holding me back from giving him everything I have, opening my heart up completely to him, and I hate it. I want to trust him, turn to him if I'm upset, speak to him when I feel like this. It just terrifies the hell out of me to open up, because in the past, that's when people left me. As soon as I opened my big mouth, they were gone. The people closest to me actually deserted me. Now you see why I'm a bit scared to open up, eh!?

Buuuuuuut, I have to learn to do it. If I do, I just hope he stands by me. So far, so good. He makes me feel better just by talking to me or touching me. Just him being him makes me smile. I'm falling fast, and I can't stop it. I just hope someone's going to catch me.

Time to get packed, tell the parental that I'm staying out tomorrow, and get some sleep, before doing work in town and having coffee with a friend, then meeting him. I can't wait to see you baby.

D for Dundee. Michael J. Dundee, actually. xxx

The Strangest Thing

Well..... I've met my match (: He's random, hyper, honest, caring, and we're practically identical. Of course, he's male and I'm female, so we differ there, and he's taller than me, and... Yeah, ok, you get the picture. He just... I donno, he makes me smile, and I feel like I've known him all my life. When people say they just "clicked", I can safely say I know exactly what they mean. I never thought that I'd ever be this comfortable around anyone, or this happy. The past was nothing compared to what I feel now (: I'm so glad he found me! What a feeling..... SONG TIME!!! *does a little dance and sings the Gaviscon Song... And if you don't know what it is, YOUTUBE it!*

I must admit, I've cried many times. Sadness, feeling blue, being lonely. But never before have I burst into tears when talking about how happy I am. Yeah, I'm learning to be honest! I was talking to a friend tonight about how happy I was, and how much D means to me, and as soon I was off the phone, I felt the waves of tears coming on. I realised how much I missed him already! I know he only went home a few hours ago, and we saw each other yesterday too, but I'm hooked. Completely, and utterly, hooked on him. As I write this, there's a tear running down my cheek - a happy one, don't worry - and I just want a hug. I'd do anything to just cuddle up to him right now. I feel like a complete sop, but I just want him to know how much he means to me already, and that I can't wait til Friday. I know, I know, two days. Long enough! Am I desperate enough to work out the hours.......???

36ish (: Waaaaaaaaaaaay too many, but as I've heard, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Let's see, shall we (:

Btw... Always wish upon a star, and keep believing, because dreams and hopes really do come true (:

Time for sleeps. After listening to some more Mr Bublé, that is.

D for delighted xx