Before the new year?

I miss you. I miss our banter, how we'd laugh at each other then wonder why we were laughing in the first place, which only made us laugh harder. I love the way we used to text and it would just be one word, but it would start a whole day's conversation and it would be hilariously random. We used to talk all the time, and often our phonecalls would have laughter AND tears at the same time, and I'd casually stroll round the house while we chatted. I loved the way we used to chat about guys, discussing things we'd never dream of discussing with anyone else. We could chat about anything, know what we were both thinking with just a brief glance between each other. I miss the dancing we used to do - completely crazy, and we'd both end up sweating as though it was 5000 degrees. I loved the way that you'd cheer me up if I was down, even if I wasn't anywhere near you. You could always just talk to me and I'd start smiling. You aren't my sister for nothing. There was a reason we met, and now that we don't talk, I'm not the same person I used to be. I still sit and look at my phone, willing it to vibrate, to lift it up and see your name with the message symbol beside it, with some random message that doesn't make sense to anyone but us.

There are so many good memories too. Like that time we were at a festival in the caravan, the morning after the night before, and I'd bought a little vibrater because you dared me to. We took it out and we let it dance around the table, while we laughed on the sofa's, tears streaming down our faces at this stupid little lipstick-shaped toy. It may have looked stupid to anyone else, but to us, it was totally hilarious.

And all those times at festivals where we'd just have a total giggle to ourselves, making funny faces and taking photos, documenting memories that I'll never forget. It was magic and I wish I could turn back time and revisit those days, because, hell, I really miss them. You're my best friend, my sister, my partner in crime. That night off the bus, I only asked because I could trust you and I knew it would go no further. I don't know whether it was the 3 days of no sleep or just the fact that I mess up now and then, I'm not sure. But I've regretted it ever since. I don't know if you'll ever speak to me again, but I really hope you do. There's a hole in me that you used to fill, and no matter how hard I try, nothing can take your place.

Your pictures are still on my wardrobe doors, in my photo album, and I'll never take them out, because you're still family to me. I can't help it. I can't turn back time. I can only look ahead to a future that looks bleak without your laughter. But, I also can't make you talk to me, or forgive me, or anything like that. It's up to you if you ever want to let me into your life again. I'm sorry for everything I've done, but I can't turn back the clock. Oh how I wish I could.

If I could have anything for Christmas, it would be you to just speak to me, talk everything through and sort it out. That would make the day. Start fresh for 2011 and not look back. I can dream...

Love you, sis. x

Long time...

Well, hello folks. I've finally got round to updating this thing. Note to self: I really must start writing again! I just don't seem to get the inspiration or energy up just now to write blogs, but I'll give it a go. I'm seeing that I've got some more followers, so I really better give you something to read!

So, I have a job, my other half is pretty much living here, and I have a new car. Shame I don't have the licence to go with it, eh. Oh well. Anyways, yes. Life is going fairly well for me right now. Just back at work after being on holiday for two weeks, so not really enjoying the early mornings, but I'll get there in the end. The girls are brilliant though. There's barely a day that goes by where I don't laugh and get a good work out. Seriously, it's awesome and I can feel the fat burning off me. Or, I would, if I'd cut down the quantity of junk that I eat. Honestly, I eat a lot of steak, with chips, and cream sauce with onion and garlic in it, and veggies on the side. And then we usually go on to tan a tub of Ben & Jerry's cookie dough ice cream. It's horrific how much we eat, but what can I say? We love our food. It's just doing my body no good. I think we need to cut down the quantity, but definately not the quality or change what we eat. If we didn't enjoy it, we wouldn't eat it.

(...by the way, I'll give you the recipe for my cream sauce to go with your steak. Honestly? It's amazing for wiping up with chips! I just need to work out how much of everything goes into it, so give me time!)

Anyway, what else can I write about? This is why I stopped for a start. I just didn't know what to write about and all my posts were very samey and I wasn't writing about my weightloss journey, since I went off-road quite a few months ago. I somehow need to get back on the rails and lose some weight. New plan? I'm going to cut back on how much food I consume, and then go like hell at work. Well... every day I'm pushing a trolley round, timed, and it's often very heavy, so I should push myself to do "green" runs or at least "amber", but if I challenge myself, I'll work harder and then I should use up more calories and it'll help me lose weight as well as toning up muscles I haven't used in years. Let's see how this works. I'll start on Monday...


For now though, I have garlic bread in the fridge, and lots of goodies in the freezer. Might have to freeze the bread though since I have nothing to have it with. It's normally just steak or pizza, and I haven't got steak and the pizza's frozen. So I might as well freeze it since it only takes a couple more minutes to cook and it actually comes out better - personally. So what to have for lunch/supper today? Not quite sure, but I'm convinced we'll find something.

Island Life

Good afternoon from the Isle Of Coll on the West Coast of Scotland. It's a beautiful place, even in the grey weather we have. I'll definitely be coming back when it's forecast to be sunny, and will take the man and my tripod with me so I can take some lovely pictures of the scenery. It's just amazing. Will take a car across as well so we can go touring around the place. It's like a wee maze, but it's awesome. This is the kind of place I could see myself setting up camp in permanently. Just have to sort out the mobile signal situation, and a good stock of irn bru and chocolate and I'm sorted. Or maybe we'll just come over here for the odd weekend to get away from everything. Would be really nice actually. Totally secluded from the mainland, with the necessities available and not much else. Saying that, as long as we have each other and food, we're sorted!

Anyways, since I haven't done that much of a post lately, I'm going to do a fairly lengthy one now. Sorry if you're getting bored already! You might be reading for a while, or get more bored and wander off into the vast universe of the internet. Wouldn't really surprise me, since I do tend to ramble on about nothing in particular.

I suppose I could tell you about my journey to Coll. Please, settle yourself in, get a cup of tea. I'll wait til you're back.... Back yet? Good. Now, snuggle up and keep reading. I started out at 12.35pm on the train from my village, and landed in Aberdeen at 1.10pm where I met the man, and we went for coffee, then a wander, then went for lunch at the usual steak place. When we finally got our meals though, the chicken wasn't cooked through, and I brought this to the attention of the staff. They were very apologetic and said they'd cancelled it off our bill. We thought we had just got a discount, but they'd cleared the entire bill, so we got 2 big meals for nothing. Quite amazing. But anyways, finally we headed to the station, and misty-eyed I kissed my man goodbye and went off onto the train for Perth.

I met my friend at 6.10pm and we went to Tesco for some last minute essentials and then headed back to his where I was given a pizza. Given = fresh pizza, from the fridge, told to cook it. That was awesome. I can cook pizza, and managed to eat it all, which rather surprised me! We then toddled round to his Gran's before going back to his again and then prepared to leave... at midnight. We were on the road at 12am sharp and were in Oban at 2.47am, which was rather good, but then it meant trying to sleep. Of course, I couldn't because I got so restless as usual and spent the next hour and a half twitching. However, we finally got let onto the ferry with the car and I walked on.

All in all, I'm bored of typing about a random time away without the man, and it doesn't help that I've forgotten most of what happened - this was started on the 6th of August... So, I'll just say it was an amazing time and I think I'll be back at some point, taking the man with me.

Toodle-oo

July Catch-up

Well, it's more like a general catch up. I'll admit it now, I don't update this as often as I pledged to. But, times are hard on the weight loss front, and I need all the support I can get my hands, bum, legs and tum on! My weight's now up to 17 st 7 lbs... which is quite scary, and gives me a BMI of 38. This is, as you may imagine, rather scary, since the Wii started telling me I'm very obese and that I may develop many health problems. Am I really that big??? Honestly, I need to do something about this, so I bought that balance board thing for my Wii, and the Wii Fit Plus game so that I can try and lose some weight. Wish me luck!

I'm off to sleep. Promise I'll be back soon and write again.
Toodle-oo xx

Dandyness

Good morning, world. How are we all? I'm rather dandy... well, no, I'm not. I'm tired, and hungry. I'm starving, in fact. I could eat the entire contents of my fridge right now, but I won't do that. I've put on enough weight in the past couple of months, without eating any more. I'm cutting back on how much food I eat at a time. Last night, I made some chips - a small handful - along with 3 fish fingers and a bag of vegetables. I felt quite good after that. I'm going to drink lots of juice from now on, to stop myself eating quite so much. I'm also impressed with the fact that I've not eaten the bar of Milka chocolate that I have in my handbag. I've resisted it with very little trouble.

Now, some good news. He's here! After 5 long, long days, my man is here and I couldn't be happier. It's just a shame he's going to bed soon since he's up at 10.30 for work :( I'm just thrilled to see him. He's made me feel 100x better than I have done since Sunday, and that's only by showing up. Imagine how I feel every time he touches me, kisses me, holds me... It takes my breath away every time. He just makes me happy inside. I get all warm and fuzzy and can't stop smiling at all. When he leaves, I'm usually ok, but sometimes I cry because I'm going to miss him so much. Usually it's only a matter of hours before we see each other again, but this last time, it was days. Horrible, long, tiring, deadening days, where I'd cry myself to sleep thinking about him and wondering what he was doing, if he was thinking of me, if he was still happy when away from me. It's ridiculous, I know, but I can't help it. I think about the wierdest things anyway, let alone when I'm on my own and lonely, or away from him in general.

I just love him. What can I say. He's the best thing to happen to me, and I hope he sticks around for a long, long time.

D-d-d-d-loved.x

Smitten

It's been a long week. Since Sunday, I've not seen my man, and I'm missing him so much. I can't even watch a good film without wanting to curl into him and be in his arms. I'm watching PS I Love You, and it just got to the bit where Jerry was back in the apartment with his arms round Holly. It made me want him here even more than I thought possible - it actually made me cry. I have the feeling that I may cry when I see him tomorrow. I'm even welling up as I type this. It's ridiculous, isn't it. I just want him so badly. I've never wanted someone's arms around me as much as I want his. I feel safe when I'm with him, when he's holding me. In his arms, everything's ok, nothing can harm me as long as he's around. Life right now is amazing. If only he was coming home to me every night...

Anyways, I did my exam today, so I'm relieved it's over. I think it went well, so here's hoping that I've passed my grade 8 Scottish Fiddle. All I need to do now, is write the reports for the recordings I did, and the live performance and one set that I did during the performance. That shouldn't take me too long, so I'll start that tomorrow when I've slept. It might be a good plan, huh. I've not exactly had much sleep lately, so I really need a long lie, but I'm not going to get one until Sunday. It's ok though, because my man'll be here, and we'll both get to sleep in a bit. Either that, or we go to sleep early on Saturday night after a few drinks and films, then get up early-ish and go to the market for a wee day out. Maybe even go for a walk to the place we went on our first date, or we could do that on my birthday. I don't know, but it's something I'd like to do again.

Ahhhh I'm smitten (: He's just lovely and wonderful and loving and mine. That's right. No one else is getting him. I love him to bits, and I wouldn't change him for the world. Anyways, I better go to sleep. I'm tired and got another long day ahead of me. I love you, babe, and I always will. I just hope you read this at some point. You're my world.

Night world.

D-d-d-d-d-Jiggles.x

June.. Oh dear..

Well this year is literally flying past. June is here, and it's my birthday next month and I haven't got a clue what I'm doing for it. Maybe we'll go to the beach or something, or maybe on a wee road trip. Honestly, I don't know, but we'll think of something to do before then.

I'm round at the mans just now, and was yesterday as well. It's amazing just being with him, and the fact that he's always going to be there for me is slowly sinking in. If I get down, he knows about it, and makes me tell him what's wrong. Sometimes it takes a while, but I'm getting better at opening up and I'm getting better in general. He's never let me down yet, and I don't know what I'd do without him in my life now. I can't imagine being without him now, and to be honest, I don't want to imagine it.

Having spent most of the evening asleep with him, and only really getting a cuddle right before he got up, I kinda miss him. And if you're wondering why I'm typing this and not still sleeping, that's because I'm actually awake after he got up to get ready for work. He probably doesn't like waking me, but tough. That's the way I like it.

He's out of the shower and texting me from downstairs. I can smell him... does that make me sound sad and pathetic? Even worse is the fact that as soon as he left the room, the tears began welling up. Never in my life have I felt so ridiculous. Except for now, when the tears are flowing down my cheeks and making my t-shirt wet. Honestly, he says the sweetest things, and better still, he means every word. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: my life is complete now that he's in it. I have a great family, amazing friends, and the best boyfriend in the world. Of course, every girl says that, but hey, if they weren't the best ones for us, then why would we be with them?

Ahhhhh I'm so happy yet sad. I'm a walking contradiction. I'm smiling and crying at the same time, and I should be sleeping since I have the bus at 7.42am, but I don't want to sleep, because I know I'll be lying there for hours just thinking of him once he gets to work. I'm getting a hug as soon as I see him - and no, I don't care if we're right in the middle of a massive crowd of people, I want one, and he's giving me one :)

I can't wait to see him. I just hope my tears don't come back when I see him. They're happy tears right now, and I know I'll be happy tomorrow as soon as I see him. I'm sorry, I'm just so excited. Cuddles and then he's staying at mine. I'm so glad I have Valentine to keep me occupied right now. I'm only watching this one then going to sleep, honest.

In fact, I'm going to stop writing now. This episode is just getting good, and I have a bit of milkybar melting in my mouth. Well, when I can't have my man, I will have chocolate. That's my new rule. Let's see how it works out.

Night, folks.

D-d-d-d-d-d-Jigglez.x

Just another day in paradise...

Oh I wish it was. Instead, I'm stuck in this hell-hole with nothing to do except watch Supernatural and wait for something exciting to happen. Of course, the likelyhood of that happening is very very slim. So I'm just stuck here doing nothing, basically. Gotta love being here on my own, huh.

Today, I wanted everything to be ok and wanted to feel a bit happier than I did last night, but obviously my wishes won't be fulfilled, so I give up on all that. My life will be whatever it wants to be, regardless of what I do, so I'm not going to bother trying anymore. There's no point. Nothing I do changes anything. I'm powerless.

I give up. If anyone wants to give me advice on how to feel "better", then please, drop me a line. I'm asking for help. For once in my life, I actually am asking. Help me.

D.

Saying Goodbye

I'll admit it now: saying goodbye to him anytime is difficult. Beyond difficult. It tears me up inside. But this morning? I couldn't even go through to hear his vehicle pull away. The thought of it brought me to tears, broke my heart, and even just thinking about it now, it's got the tears rolling down my cheeks. Even they sound depressed, the way they drop heavily to my quilt. I can't do it anymore. I can't put myself through this any longer. I don't know what I can or want to do, but something has to be done so that I don't hurt this much every time we say goodbye.

Gah.

And I had to re-pierce my ear tonight. It healed up while I was trying to put a hoop through it, so just had to go with another bar and force it through. Stingy, but it's ok now. Went very very lightheaded in the bathroom, and collapsed for a min, but was ok and came back to bed. Only wish I'd had a cuddle :(

Night folks. I'm getting too depressed to keep writing a blog. I'll be back sometime.

Dawn0fTheMoon.

May Catch-Up

I know it's not quite the end of May, but it's not far away so I think it's time I did a wee summary and let you know what we're up to, how things are going and such.

Well, as you know, I started a new diet. That's finished. I've been pretty unwell the past few days, so I'm a bit suspicious about the Acai berry pills - I don't think they're agreeing with me, so will stick to the SlimFast once I'm feeling a bit better. It's no fun not being able to eat anything because you're scared of being sick :( It really sucks. Being away from home and not being able to eat is even worse :(

So the weekend sucked quite a lot. But. I had my wonderful other half there to look after me. Where would I be without him, eh? He's so good to me, and I still can't quite take it in that he's mine, and we love each other. I've finally met my match and I couldn't be happier. My life is complete: I have the greatest friends, the most loving and loyal boyfriend and I don't know what more I could actually ask for. I'm a happy girl. Shame about the tears when he leaves me at night :( It's normally after we've been together for a few days at a time, so can you blame me? I'm gonna miss my cuddles tonight :(

So, I'm off to watch some Supernatural. I'm up early for college, but only going to my first class since I've been unwell. I don't think it's wise that I stick around for too long incase I'm contagious. You never know...

I'm so excited for tomorrow. College then seeing my man. I really can't wait to see him. I swear, we were made for each other. Everything's so perfect with us, it's unreal. It's as though we've been friends all our lives and have been best friends for years. It's like nothing I've ever felt before.

Anyways, time for sleep now. Roll on tomorrow!

D-d-d-d-d-d-Jiggles.

Day 2 of the Diet

Well, I had breakfast this morning, and two acai torpedoes. Lunch was a baked potato with tuna, sweetcorn and a little cheese, with another two torpedoes. After college, I had a sandwich - prawn mayo - and a bag of wotsits, and most of a 75cl bottle of water. Dinner was a bowl of pasta, with tuna and sweetcorn and a big bottle of water, as well as 2 more acai pills. I've actually put on weight today apparently, but my scales have never been that consistent, so I won't take it personally. However, I might up the ante and add another element into the diet. If it works, great. If not, DON'T try it at home! I'll keep you informed.

I'm going to add in the "SlimFast" diet plan into my efforts. It might help to increase the weight loss, so I'm going to make it my breakfast and dinner. I fancy having decent food for my lunch, because I don't fancy taking a shake to college with me. I might look a tad strange. Not that I don't already, and I certainly don't need the help to look any more weird.

Diet

Yes folks, I've finally started a new diet. I know it's taken a long time to do it, but this is it. I'm on it now, and will stick to it for as long as I need to. I'm off to weigh myself, and then I'll update you on how heavy I am and how much I want to lose. 2 minutes! *runs to scales*

I'm 15 stone 6 pounds. I'm ashamed! But, given my weight after leaving the gym, it's not that much more. So, let's set a target weight loss. 2 stone? I think that would be enough. My goal weight is therefore: 13 stone 6 pounds. But hang on, I just ate dinner... I had a pint of water and 3 fish fingers, a potato waffle, and 1/2 a small tin of sweetcorn. So let's assume that I'm actually 15 stone 5 pounds. I want to be 13 st. 5 pounds, in that case.

So this new diet. I'm cutting out junk as much as possible, though I'm not going to deny myself a wee treat now and then. I'm also not going to go running all the time. Walks with the man, yes, but not running for the hell of it. That's just pointless. Plus, with this growth on a nerve in my foot, it's not advisable to be putting extra strain and pressure on it. So, moderate exercise, and smaller portions, no fizzy drinks (sparkling water is allowed), low calorie versions of stuff, and I'm only allowed to migrate from the healthy diet when I'm at festivals or away for the weekend. Then I can allow myself to slip a little.

Oh, and I forgot to mention. I'm also taking the "Acai and Exotic Fruit" supplement to see if this diet really works. I've read hundreds of the daft ads online saying that "yes it worked for me, get your free sample here". I just don't believe a word of it. They're all paid to write that crap. But, my loyal followers, you know I don't get paid to do this. Hell, if I did, I'd give up everything and just write LOTS of blogs. HA! That would actually be rather difficult. I know I'm random and have some good rants, but that's taking the biscuit really.

Jeez, I went a little off topic there, didn't I?

Anyways, I'm going to go for now, my lovelies. I'll be back on tomorrow to report on the night ahead, if anything changes or if I turn blue or anything weird. I must say, I'm quite peckish, but going to get a glass of water and start drinking that to see if it helps.

Bye for now.

D.x

The Frog and the Wig

Ok, so this thing asked me for a story about a frog and a wig. I wrote one, and then it told me it was too long. So here it is. And don't blame me if it's random. The title is strange enough.

The Frog and the Wig

Once upon a time, there was a frog named Gary. He lived in a meadow by the river with his mummy and his daddy, and during the day he'd sit paddle in the pond, and by night he'd be tucked up in his leafy bed, where he'd watch the stars through his little window. When Gary was born, he was different from all the other frogs who were blessed with glorious long locks of hair. Some frogs had oak brown hair, while some had firey red hair. But poor Gary was born with no hair at all, and he was bullied by the other little frogs for being bald. It wasn't his fault that he'd not grown any; it was his daddy's for being a numpty.

One night, a fairy appeared in Gary's room. "Go away, you weirdo!" he shouted, but the fairy ignored his cry and fluttered nearer the bed.

"Young Gary," he said, "you have been born with no hair and the young frogs make fun of you. Is this true?" Gary looked at the fairy, completely conzuffled by what he was witnessing: a guinea pig in a tutu, with a sparkly wand and limp wrists, a sight only seen on street corners at 3am.
"It's true," replied Gary.
"Well, young Gary. I am here to help," the fairy said, standing up from the bed. With a swish of his wand, a cloud of smoke appeared, and when it cleared, the fairy held out his hand for Gary to see. And in his hand were the most luxurious locks of hair that Gary had ever seen before, in a crimson so red, his blood would be envious. Gary smiled gleefully at the fairy as he stretched out to touch the silky wig.
"This is for you," the fairy said, handing the wig to Gary. "Go and be happy, find a nice girl and settle down. I never managed!"

So Gary took the hair, put it on his head and went out into the night in search of his true love, and the fairy went home happily to have a cuppa with his slave.

The End.

May's Beginning

Here we are in May. ALREADY?! Jeez, this year is disappearing fast. It feels like only yesterday I was at Carrbridge and celebrated the New Year. But now, I've been to Oban, found my perfect match, won some competitions, and am preparing for Strichen - start of the festival season. How did that happen? Oh well! :) it's passed so quickly because I have the best people by my side. All my friends and family, thank you for being there. And to my man: thank you for standing by me, regardless of how many times you've had to drag things out of me when I'm down. I'd be lost without you now, and I hope you'll be around for a long time to come.

Now, you know we're in May. If you don't, go see your GP because you've lost track of time by a long way. Being in May, we're lambing, and it's kinda hectic. We have currently got 7 pet lambs at home, and two fields full of pregnant mummy's and baby's being born every day. I just hope they all lamb soon so that we don't have to worry any more. There's only one massive problem that we have: there's a fox at home and one down the road that keep eating the lambs. For all you do-gooders and animal lovers/protectors/ninny's: LOOK WHAT THEY'RE DOING?! We have lambs go missing every day, some left wounded so badly that we have to kill them ourselves. You have a problem with killing foxes? I have a problem with them killing our animals. "It's only natural", you say? Tough. Those bloody animals are just a nightmare, and we need shot of them (no pun intended), and to be honest, I don't care what you all say. I'm happy to admit that we do kill foxes. If they're eating our livestock, we're going to give them a bullet where the sun doesn't shine, regardless of what you lot say. If you care so much about them, go take them home into your back garden, and keep them there. Don't let them out of your sight and make sure they don't eat any of our animals.

Jeez, that was some rant, huh?!

Anyways, on another topic, the man and me are doing really well together :) He's been amazing with me and my dad through lambing, helping out where he can and coming with me to check them when dad's away doing other things to catch up with the crops. Not that they're running away, but the farming season has been a bit hindered by all the snow and that. And now that a certain someone has (nearly) butted out and left us alone, we're getting on so much better. I just hope she keeps her word and lets us be, because we're getting on great. Better than great. We're just a perfect match, made for one another. Yippee!! And yes, he's got me into saying that now. GAH! I love him anyways, so I don't mind.

Anyways, I think it's time to rest my weary head. I've done a lot of thinking these past couple of days, so will be glad to get back to college and relax a bit! Good thing I'm seeing the man tomorrow as well. Get my cuddles (:

Never thought my heart would feel this way. Love you, babe (: Always in my mind, forever in my heart.

D-d-d-d-d-d-Jigglez. x

April Summery

Yes, I am aware I spelt "summary" wrong, but I'm in a funny mood, and thought I'd use a pun to name this post since the weather has actually resembled spring lately. Strange for Scotland, I know. Anyways. It's time for a catch up for April. I know I haven't exactly written many posts over the past 2 months, but I've been a little pre-occupied by the other half. And no, we haven't spent all that time in bed. Well, we have. But it's only to watch films and eat LOTS of munch. I'd normally polish my halo right now, but I sold it to Cash4Gold.com. They paid me money for it! Muppets!

I'd just like to say that the past two months have really made my life feel whole again. I officially have the greatest friends (that means you, Dumpling! Love youuuu!) and the world's greatest boyfriend. He's always been there for me, makes me smile no matter how bad I feel, and just knows me without even trying. Yes, I'm smitten (: and about bloody time too! We've spent a lot of time together, and it's been amazing. Road trips are planned too, so look out. Oban is the first one, and I have a feeling it will be hilarious. Double Trouble plus the man. HA!

Moving onto other aspects of my life,... Uhm, ok there appears to be no other aspects of my life right now. Except for my music, of course. I've been winning again. Yass! Another Championship in the bag. 3rd year in a row, so it's all good. Just hope I get somewhere at the Masters this weekend. I put far too much pressure on myself last year, but this year, I'm in it for the music. I'm playing tunes I love, so here goes nothing. Last year, I wanted to win so I could have the money to go to Belfast. I blew it and was so hard on myself that I went home that night. 300 mile round trip in one day, for nothing. Gah. I regretted going home, but was also kinda glad since if I had gone to the pub with Dumpling, I wouldn't have come out in one piece. So I made the right choice. This year will be better! Pub after the masters, and then again on Saturday night. Yass!

As for the photography, I've not been out lately to take that many photos. I went to the Granite City Rally, so got lots and lots of car photos, so still editing them, but apart from that I have nothing but random ones with my friends. Always good! I have a proper photo album now, so I intend to fill it with everyone important in my life. That means all my friends are appearing in it (once I get pics of them) and will be there to look at when I'm feeling low. It means they're always with me even when I haven't been with them. They're always in my heart anyways, but it's always nice to see their faces. Good times :)

And after a week of editing (not constantly, of course), I've finally got the rally photos finished. Hoorah! I must admit, they're not too bad, but I could do a lot better. Just need to get some practice in and we're sorted. Yass!

Right, time for bed. I've given up facebook for a while, so I hope I block out someone that's still getting to me. I can hope!

Night night.

D-d-d-d-d-Noob.x

Round-up. No, not the weedkiller.

Don't you just hate it when you start to miss someone... before they've actually left? Well that happens to me a lot right now. I know he has to go home, and the mere thought of it tears me up inside and makes my eyes turn into leaky pipes, and I'm yet to find the tap to turn off the waterworks. If only we never had to be away from each other. It would make things so much easier.

So, after a lazy day at home with the man, I think it's time I got stuck into some work and packing for tomorrow. Double Trouble time is happenin' tomorrow night! This is gonna be goooooood. Packed and all set to go. Just need to go to college and then get the train and meet Dumpling before heading back to hers and unleashing hell! Yar! Even got the camera packed too, so there will no doubt be lots of photos to sort out (on top of the 300+ that I took at the rally!) and put in the photo album.

That's something else I'm doing: creating a photo album of my friends and family. So far, I haven't got many in it, but I'm getting there. Quite a few needed, and I'm getting to work as soon as possible - starting tomorrow. Got Rachel and me, Dumpling and Doughball, me and the man, the Three Musketeers, and me with the parental as well, of course. Just need everyone else in it now. Woo! I can see me using lots of ink this year just printing out photos for this album. Oh well. You're all worth it! I'd spend a lot more if it meant I could see everyone more often. Really have to start organising get-togethers more often. My birthday's one for definite. And festivals, yes. So maybe I could organise a couple of nights at mine for my friends... Everyone brings a bottle/friend, and we watch films, have a laugh, eat munchies, and so on. Sounds like a good plan to me!

A final message from me: I'm off to bed, I'm missing my man, my bed's awful lonely, and I'm excited for tomorrow. Will I sleep? I don't think so :( waaaaaay too much going through my mind. Oh well, curl up and watch a film. Sounds like a plan for this Doughball.

Night all.

D-d-d-d-d-d-d-Giz. x

Change

So, my plans of last night have changed completely. After a fairly sleepless and interrupted night, I'm not going to get my hair done, and I'm not going to town to get my shoes. I'm also not seeing him, so I'm totally gutted and currently sitting in my bed with my Batman hoodie on. I'm tellin' ya, I'm Batman. But yes, enough of the randomness. The bottom line is that I'm feeling pretty pathetic today. There's been more snow overnight and it's really windy. So much for the British Summertime beginning last weekend. So far, summer has consisted of wind, rain and snow. Doesn't it sound rather like winter?

Hmm. If only I could see him :( I think I know why I get down. I've had a eureka moment, I do believe. You know that thing when you're affected by the weather, ie. smiling when it's sunny, depressed when skies are grey, that kinda thing? Well, I think I may have a touch of that. Seriously. During the sunny days, I was fine! But now that the greyness is looming over us once again, I feel poop. Maybe I'm not totally suffering from SAD, but I'm still affected by the coldness and snowy weather :(

I need a bloody hug. I really really do. Damn you, weather. You stop all my planning right in its tracks and make me stay home and not see the person/people I want to see. Why can't you just stop blooming snowing and get to summertime already?!

Well seeing as I'm stuck in the house, I've been practicing a little with the fiddle. Now, I hurt like hell because I'm so out of touch with it. Thankfully, I have my support and a mug of tea. Nothing better. Well, ok, a few things are better, but nothing that I can have right now :( like cuddles, or a night in with the man or seeing Dumpling and playing some tablemat tennis or eating chocolate or... you get my drift. And to make things worse, I have cold feet, no biscuits and no energy. Could this day get any worse? Ohhh don't tempt fate, Doughball. It really could get a lot worse. I'm gonna shoosh about it though.

Hopefully the snow will be a little better by tomorrow, so I might be able to get into town and buy my shoes. And, if all goes well, I might even be able to see him for a wee while. This is all weather-permitting, of course, which means nothing will actually work out like I want it to. Grr. Oh well. Such is life. I guess things will work out the way they're meant to, regardless of how we all feel about it. That's the way the world works, unfortunately, and there's very little we can actually do about it. In fact, there's nothing we can do to change it. Fate is ruler of the world.

C'est la vie.

Beware the Ides of March

I don't know why I called this post "Beware the ides of March", but I did, so there you go. It's time for a wee update since I haven't exactly been putting many posts up lately. Been a little preoccupied with going out with my man or eating munch or going to college or playing gigs or sleeping, so it's high time I had a recap.

So. It's almost been a month since we "officially" started going out, and got my ear pierced. This has been one of the best months in my life, I have to say, and I must say a big thank you to him for listening to me ranting on about this and that, giving me more confidence in myself, and showing me what it's like to feel truly, unbelievably, endlessly happy.

I can't describe how I feel about him, because, well, there aren't enough words. He's my best friend (best male friend, that is. It's a toss-up between him and Dumpling!) and I can always turn to him when there's something bugging me. I know I still struggle to open up to him, but I'm slowly getting there and trusting him more and more every day, which has to be a good thing, but to be honest, it's not been easy. After the last person, I have very little trust left. I don't believe everything I'm told now, but gradually I'm starting to trust him and believe what he says, because I know he means it and it's starting to sink in that he isn't lying to me and isn't going to ditch me for a blonde, leggy twig with boobs. Well, I certainly hope not anyway! Ehehe just kidding. I don't think he'd do that.

I honestly can't believe we found eachother. Being with him is amazing, though it feels like I'm living in a dream. I just don't want someone to pinch me and wake me up from it :) For once, I'm truly, honestly happy and I'm actually comfortable with myself. I don't feel the need to change, because I'm not under any pressure to do so. I still need to change, like opening up more, and losing a little weight to look a bit better, but that's my own personal demons, not being pushed into it by anyone else. I'm proud to be myself. I am Batman.

This weekend I'm off to a wedding in Crieff (Somewhere, Somewhere-shire) and it should be a good weekend! A "pre-wedding get-together" on the friday, followed by the wedding and a dance on the saturday. Got a lovely new dress for it and my plus-one is Rachel. Banter! However, I have no shoes as of yet. That's my plan for tomorrow, since I won't get to have my hair done before the weekend :( Totally gutted, but oh well. I'll have to see what the score on thursday is. Might be able to get it done then and be back in time to see my man. Never know, huh.

If I don't get my hair done on thursday though, I'm going to try and see him again (if he wants to see me, that is!) He might be sick of me by then. To be honest, I'm surprised he's not sick of me already. Saying that, we've been through a lot of stuff in our lives already, so we're well suited in that department. And we like the same music, films, TV, photography, animals,.... dare I continue? Even the same food. Seriously, a night in with us is very dangerous. Monster munch, pizza, honeycomb harvest ice cream, aero (mint!) and bru or vimto or pepsi or rockstar or.... You get the idea. Oh, and we both love chocolate oranges. I just remembered that because I've just started on the one he gave me. Yes, that's right. I didn't eat it the same day I got it. I got it a few days ago and it got lost in the pit that is my room. Honestly, it's only getting worse! He said he'd help me clear it out next time he's round (lovely, ain't he!) but I think if we started that, I'd lose him in the mess! I'm surprised we managed to keep track of each other this long. Saying that, we're normally on the bed... with all the food, my laptop and the remote, you dirty minded bugger. We can behave. And don't bother laughing!

Anyways. I guess it's time for me to go have a nice big drink since I'm thirsty, then head off to bed. I'm intending being up around 9.30am to have a shower then go into town. Need to also tell dad that I'm going in to buy my shoes and want some money. And a lift to the station. Or else I'll take the jeep down (: Might be better since I feel guilty about him taking his new scoob up my road. Really guilty.

Nighty night people.

D for Delirious.x

When boredom strikes...

...you must find something to entertain yourself. If only I knew what to do, it would be ok. But I'm not in the mood to play music, and films aren't doing the trick. So I'm actually doing some work, or have done. Emails have been sent around to various places regarding festivals and gigs and set lists and the likes. I now have nothing else to do, so I thought "why not write a blog?" and here I am: writing random bletherings in order to save myself from becoming annoyed or falling asleep - given that it's only 9.30pm. It doesn't really help that my room's really cold, my radiator's off and my laptop cooler is like an air-con system from Australia. In other words, it's blowing a gale of freezing air.

I really must find something to do, so I might go and read for an hour or something. Let's see, shall we? I might return later, but I'm not sure. Toodles for now.

Dx

Plan!

Well I think it's time for a wee update. I'm happier than I ever thought I could be, and feel so much better about myself. Also lost weight! Seriously, I think happiness is the best aid to weightloss, because for MONTHS I tried to lose a bit of weight, with no success. I was on the last hole on my belt. And now? I've lost weight, regardless of what I've been eating, and my belt is now on the second last hole. A good inch, already! And do you know what I've been eating over the past month? Of course you don't. That's why I'm going to tell you, if you'd just sit still and read instead of fidgeting with the mouse and scratching your eyebrows. All I've eaten is chippies, ice cream, pizza, chocolate, monster munch, and lots of sweets. Seriously, one receipt for ASDA had 28 items on it, 8 of which were alcoholic or energy drinks. It's ridiculous! McDonald's will be lovin' me right now for the sum of money spent in there most days. Been to Burger King as well, and Pizza Hut. All I need now is a Subway again, and I'm sorted. Oooooh and a Jimmy Chungs. Plan, me thinks!

Saying that, if him and I went to Subway, and then on a walk down past the river, then it would be a replay of our first date. Lovely (: Eeeeee I'm such a happy girl. I know I maybe wasn't earlier on, but I am now. He knows how to cheer me up. And Thursday isn't really too far away. This is Monday night. Tomorrow is Tuesday, and I have a booking on Wednesday night, and Thursday will be here before I know it. Like he said, we just need to keep in touch. It'll all be ok. And not seeing him til then will just make it even better (: Can hardly wait.

As far as the weight loss is going, you'll just need to read what I've already said again. Orrrrrrrrrr, just keep reading. It's going. Slowly, but surely, and I'm eating what I like! But. I have a plan to maximise how much I'm losing in a safe way, and also letting me eat what I want and feel healthy and good. During the days away from him, I'm going to be really good. I love baked potatoes, and tuna, sweetcorn, cottage cheese, fruit, and veg. So I can pick and choose between all that, and the odd salad in between, and maybe a steak here and there for good measure. Someone as addicted to meat as I am has no business keeping away from the juicy, tender, loveliness of steak and chicken. On college days and away from him, I behave. When I'm with him, I can eat whatever junk I like! I might still have some of the healthy stuff anyways, because I do actually like it. Plan? I think so (:

Another plan I have is to get more sleep. Get myself into a lifestyle routine. 8-10 hours sleep, 3 meals a day, lots of fluids, and take my tablets. Life will be very very good, if it can get any better than this. Honestly, I've never felt so happy and like myself. I know who I am. I know what I want. I'm working on how to get it. I'm finally comfortable in myself and have a great man in my life. What more could I ask for?

D-d-d-d-d-d-Bob xx

Odd

Today has been fairly strange. I was down in the morning, then had a phonecall from him which totally cheered me up. And then he decided to come see me. Smile much? I think so. He intended to come round for about half an hour. 7 hours later, he goes home. I feel really guilty for letting him sleep here and not making him go home to bed, but I didn't want him to go. I love having him here. Note to self: stop being selfish. Selfish, not shellfish. I'm not a clam.

Roll on tomorrow (: When I finish college tomorrow afternoon, I'm getting the train back to Inverurie, where I'm meeting him and then being taken home. He's staying here too, so I can't wait. Woop (:

You'll never know...

...the one who loves you. Well, actually I do (: These past few weeks have shot past, and I can't exactly grasp what day it is, never mind what I'm meant to be doing. Honestly, life's been a blur since I met him, but the greatest blur in the world. Time's slowing down now, back to normal rate, and I'm having the time of my life. Feel like I've known him all my life, and that we've been best friends for years. What did I do to become so lucky all of a sudden???? Seriously, there's gotta be something. Maybe my prayers to the various deities up there actually worked. I just hope they tell me who they are, so I can thank them properly.

Eeeeeee I'm honestly so happy (: Just gonna miss him til I see him next :( Hopefully I'll be able to see him on wednesday. It's gonna drive me crazy not getting cuddles tomorrow. Nothing like a cuddle when you're feeling crap :( The parental went a bit psycho tonight, just as we arrived and were sitting chatting outside the house in his car. Pup ran away - after the parental swearing a lot, he pegs it - and wasn't found on initial searching. I'm not sure if he's home yet. I best go check, huh?!

Well, turned out the dog wasn't home, and I had to sneak out the front door and go find him. Didn't fancy waking the grizzly and making him use the gun on me. Loaded shotgun at an open door. Dog's terrified of guns. Is that honestly the way you get a dog to come in the house when he knows he's in trouble? No, didn't think so. After sneaking out the front door, leaving the lights off, I started the isuzu and set off to look for the mut. Luckily, I had the patience to stop at the first farm and whistle. Also glad I put his collar back on him - it jingles when he moves, so I heard him coming. To say I was glad would be a total understatement.

As for the diet, that kinda fucked up again. My dinner consisted of..... a mug of tea. Strong tea, since I forgot about it when I was feeding the dog. Put the teabag in, then wandered off to give him some more food. Poor bugger was hungry :( But yeah, one very strong mug of tea. And that's about it.

Time for sleep, I think. Not taking my laptop tomorrow, so just on my mobile. Woopdidooooo.

Miss him already :(

Night night,

D-d-d-d-d-d-d-Gizmo xx

Smiles

Officially taken (: Could I be happier right now? I don't think so. Or, well. Actually, yes I could. He could be beside me, and my ear wouldn't be throbbing, but since both things are impossible right now, I'm as happy as I could be. I must say, though, I'm a little upset. Something's been stolen from me :( Not to worry, it's only my heart (: He stole it a couple of weeks ago, as soon as I got into the car that first night. He really is amazing (:

He dropped me off home on Saturday evening, and I got me cuddles before he left, but I was missing him as soon as I saw his car go round the corner at the top of my drive. I just wanted to run after him and tell him to stay. Shame that I couldn't :( As soon as he was home, we were texting and I just wished we were together, so that I didn't feel lonely. Every day away from him seems like a lifetime, and I can't wait til tomorrow to see him again. I don't think I could survive going an extra day! The weekend is going to be hard if I don't get to see him on Friday :(

But anyways. On the weightloss front, I'm not sure how well I'm doing. There is currently nothing to eat in the house, except from bread, butter, yoghurt and cuppa soups. Considering I'm not a fan of packet soup, this leaves me with a very limited amount that I can actually eat. I think it's time we went to tesco again. Seriously, I need to eat sometimes, and when there's nothing in, I just decide to stop eating completely. Surely this can't be good for me? Oh well.

Time to raid the freezer again. Might stick on that spicy pepperoni pizza and some garlic bread. I don't honestly care how I look nowadays. As long as I'm happy, why should I bother restricting what I want to do? I should live life to the full, and I'm starting now. Bring on the carbs!

Night night, folkies. Jeez I miss him.

D for devoted xx

Sea-saw brain

This is how I feel right now: I'm hurting inside, something's not right, I can't work out why, and I just really need a hug. In about 15 hours I'll hopefully get one, and I honestly can't wait. I never thought I'd miss him his much already. I only saw him a few hours ago, but it's like I've been away from him for months. It's totally unreal, but it's happening. I really have met my match. I'm just sorry that I can't open up to him yet. I want to, but experience has taught me to be wary of anyone that says they'll be there for me. With ever day that passes, though, I'm able to talk a little bit more about how I feel, what's going through my mind.

Right now, I don't know where my head's at. I know he means a lot to me, and I'm so happy that I'm with him. I honestly can't imagine not being with him now. He's just wonderful and I couldn't be happier than I am with him. But there's something deep inside me, holding me back from giving him everything I have, opening my heart up completely to him, and I hate it. I want to trust him, turn to him if I'm upset, speak to him when I feel like this. It just terrifies the hell out of me to open up, because in the past, that's when people left me. As soon as I opened my big mouth, they were gone. The people closest to me actually deserted me. Now you see why I'm a bit scared to open up, eh!?

Buuuuuuut, I have to learn to do it. If I do, I just hope he stands by me. So far, so good. He makes me feel better just by talking to me or touching me. Just him being him makes me smile. I'm falling fast, and I can't stop it. I just hope someone's going to catch me.

Time to get packed, tell the parental that I'm staying out tomorrow, and get some sleep, before doing work in town and having coffee with a friend, then meeting him. I can't wait to see you baby.

D for Dundee. Michael J. Dundee, actually. xxx

The Strangest Thing

Well..... I've met my match (: He's random, hyper, honest, caring, and we're practically identical. Of course, he's male and I'm female, so we differ there, and he's taller than me, and... Yeah, ok, you get the picture. He just... I donno, he makes me smile, and I feel like I've known him all my life. When people say they just "clicked", I can safely say I know exactly what they mean. I never thought that I'd ever be this comfortable around anyone, or this happy. The past was nothing compared to what I feel now (: I'm so glad he found me! What a feeling..... SONG TIME!!! *does a little dance and sings the Gaviscon Song... And if you don't know what it is, YOUTUBE it!*

I must admit, I've cried many times. Sadness, feeling blue, being lonely. But never before have I burst into tears when talking about how happy I am. Yeah, I'm learning to be honest! I was talking to a friend tonight about how happy I was, and how much D means to me, and as soon I was off the phone, I felt the waves of tears coming on. I realised how much I missed him already! I know he only went home a few hours ago, and we saw each other yesterday too, but I'm hooked. Completely, and utterly, hooked on him. As I write this, there's a tear running down my cheek - a happy one, don't worry - and I just want a hug. I'd do anything to just cuddle up to him right now. I feel like a complete sop, but I just want him to know how much he means to me already, and that I can't wait til Friday. I know, I know, two days. Long enough! Am I desperate enough to work out the hours.......???

36ish (: Waaaaaaaaaaaay too many, but as I've heard, absence makes the heart grow fonder. Let's see, shall we (:

Btw... Always wish upon a star, and keep believing, because dreams and hopes really do come true (:

Time for sleeps. After listening to some more Mr Bublé, that is.

D for delighted xx

Sunday Night Project

Goooooood evening, campers. More snow today. A blizzard, in fact. And I'm still smiling (: Sitting on my bed here, grinning and giggling to myself - feel like a right ninny, but I don't care. Tomorrow is monday, so back to college I go. Quite an easy day really, and it means I'm one day closer to Wednesday - can't waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaait! Seriously, bouncing up and down on my bed because I'm so hyper! I get me cuddles (: yay!

Also getting a bit further on with the hunt for an outfit to wear to the April Wedding. I'm thinking a corset... with a knee-length skirt... black shoes (maybe lace up courts or something)... and black stockings. Some combination, huh? Might even get a cute wee fascinator for my hair, and go all 1950's burlesque style - just not over the top. Will be quite nice, along with black and silver accessories, and maybe some green in there since I'm planning on getting the green corset. Gotta match in, you know? I'll put up pics once I get the outfit together. Might wear the corset out to Dumpling's birthday or something. Will see how I'm feeling (:

Eeeeeeee I'm still hyper. He makes me smile sooo much, and I can hardly believe that I've met someone that makes me feel like I do! Ohhh noooo. I'm going all soppy. I can't help it though ): he's just lovely, and I'm happy for once.

Annnnnnyways. I think it's time I thought about bed. I have college in the morning, although I'd much rather go and see him, but I can't really afford to take any more time off, so I'll go in. Might keep me busy anyways.

Toodleoo the noo.

Dxx

A little side note

Just been reading through my blogs, and realised that I prayed to God, Allah, Santa and the muffin man, in hope that someone would come into my life and turn it around. It's happened! Seriously! All I need now is for that person/deity/present-giver/baker to identify themselves, so that I can hold up my end of the deal: worship them forever, and love them. Helloooo up there! Who are you??? Tell me and I'll love ya :) Thank you sooooo much. (I think it was the muffin man, but you can never be sure with these things.) It could, however, have been my mum. She's always looking out for me from up there, and maybe she pulled a few strings and brought me and him together in a seemingly random way. Guess I'll never really know, but I can always dream. Though, sometimes my dreams turn into nightmares.

Anyways, talking of dreams/nightmares, it's time to sleep.

Nighty night,

D for Daftie.xx

Saturday Night Freezer

More snow! We had another foot on wednesday, and it was drifting over night. I had a visitor round on Wednesday, and he had to stay until tonight before we got his car pulled out. Poor guy, but it was a darned good excuse for him to stay :) Dare I say, I'm really happy right now. I think I've finally found someone that I actually click with, and not just a little bit. We click in many ways. He makes me smile so much, and tbh I'm so glad I met him. The last few days have been magic, though it feels like we've known eachother for years and I'm so comfortable around him, it's scary. I can honestly be myself, which is worrying, but it's a refreshing change compared to what I'm like with other guys. I don't have to pretend to be someone else. I don't have to pretend to like certain things - because we actually have so much in common. We like the same things, hate the same things, and we both enjoy eachother's company.

This said person made a comment about one of my other blog posts - presumably one about guys and how they upset me, or mess me around, or are all the same - and said he hoped he could change my mind. Well, let me tell you one thing: he most certainly has. There is a good guy out there. I've found one! I feel like holding up a huge flag and standing on the roof, shouting "OMG OMG OMG I've found a nice guy!". Though, if I did that, maybe he'd think I'm completely barking, and that can't be a good thing, surely. Or can it? There's only one way to find out. Nah, I'm only kidding. I don't plan on standing on a rooftop in the near (or very distant) future. Heights and me don't mix, much like oil and water.

Seriously, these past few days have been insane. The past 6 days have been, in fact. 6 days, and 6 dates. Well, 4 dates, but he landed up snowed in here, so let's just call it 6. I can't wait to see him again. I was sad to see him go, but the new me insists on focussing on the next time I see him and not on the fact that I'm not going to get any more cuddles for the next few days. Roll on Wednesday, baby ;) He gives damn good hugs. And cuddles. And makes me laugh. And keeps me cozy. And looks after me when I have a sore head. And doesn't mind if he's holding onto me when my dad shows up. Eeeeee. Can you tell I'm smiling? I must look like a total goofball right now.

Aaaaaand he's coming to Dumpling's birthday party with me. Woohoo! Mucho banter to be had. He said he could handle me when Double Trouble are together, but I think he may have underestimated the power of our giggles. That makes us sound like a pair of superhero's, a duo of destruction or something like that. But we're not. Though, we should be. It's going to be interesting seeing how he copes with us if we go hyper, which we more than likely end up doing, regardless of whether we want to or not! Hyperness just seems to find Dumpling and Doughball, like chewing gum finds the sole of your shoe: you can avoid it all you want, but it'll still appear no matter where you go!

Anyways. I think it's time I went to bed, without cuddles or my heater. Human heater, but a heater none-the-less. My eyes are drooping and I have the sneezes. I'm just thankful I don't have a headache right now, coz that would really finish me off! No cuddles, no giggles, no heater, no one to rub my back while I cry in pain. Yeah, he has a few uses. MOOOOOOOOOOOOON!.... yeah, that'll mean absolutely nothing to anyone but me and him. I don't know.... Muh. Nuffin'.

Right. Catch you later. Might do a weekly/monthly update tomorrow, but will see how I'm feeling. No doubt tired, sore, pathetic, cold, lonely and fairly optimistic about Wednesday. Woohoo!

Nighty night.

D for Dozer.xx

Time To Reflect

During the past few days, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Yes, I'm aware that's dangerous, but I have a cold and my brain doesn't think anything through properly. I have discovered a few things about myself - including the fact that I hate being alone. I really, really, really hate being on my own. I often wonder what I did to deserve the lonliness I feel, but I can't work it out, no matter how hard I try. I just don't get it. Maybe in a past life, I screwed up so much that I'll never find love in this life. Or maybe, I made such a mess in this one, that I'll never find anyone to accept me for who I am, regardless of how many mistakes I've made or what I've done to others. Whatever I did, I'm sorry, and I will be eternally grateful if whoever is up there would stop piling all this crap onto me.

To be honest, I don't know who/what is up there. Be it God, Allah, Santa Claus, or the muffin man. Whoever it is, I don't honestly care. I'll love you, worship you forever if you'd just give me a break for once in my life, and let me find happiness. Is that too much to ask for? Seriously?

All I've ever wanted is to find someone to care for me, be genuine enough not to mess with my heart and my head. Someone to look after me when I'm ill, let me do the same for them, accept me for who I am. Acknowledge my ambitions and support me through life, not doubting the love in my heart and allowing me to dream like there's no tomorrow. There's gotta be someone out there willing to do at least one of these things, hasn't there?

If this sounds like you, please do get in contact. And if you already have, tell me. Talk to me. I don't bite. Unless asked to. Sheesh, I sound like I'm writing some Lonely Souls ad, and failing miserably. I'm not that desperate. I just want to be loved. Gah.

Anyways, time for bed, or contemplation of bed anyways. It's nearly midnight and I'm unwell. Oooh time for Covonia! *Sings Covonia song*

Night night,

D for Doughball. xx

*Valentine's Special*

Heya everyone.

Have a good few weeks? Mine have been eventful! From telling old men off on the train for staring at me, to being on Edinburgh tour busses. The in-between was good too. I got into a size 12 dress(UK)! Finally! It's all I wanted. Should maybe keep the diet going, eh?

Ah well, I'm in Starbucks again. pretty much on first name basis with the staff now due to Dawn and I's frequent visits. Writing with my new glasses on. Didn't even realise how bad my eyes were until I was at the opticians!

Valentine's weekend is forcing itself upon us. Any plans? Me neither. Well, not really. Unless my other half has a surprise for me. Aye, right! Jammies, chocolate and a good film is the thoughts.

Anyhoo, gonna go.

Ciao,

Rachel xx

Private School

When you think of private schools, you automatically think of posh kids, sipping champagne, discussing past holidays to far-off exotic lands, portraying the upper-class of Britain, and having exceptional manners. Right? Well, I'll let you in on a little secret about what goes on behind the closed gates of these places: they're nothing like you think.

Ok, that's not strictly true, but the students are as bad as the kids found in cities, standing by a bin of burning grannies, making cabernet from babies' blood. If not worse. They have no manners, and think they are better than the rest of humanity, simply because they have a little spare cash burning a hole in their father's back pockets.

On Saturday night, I was at one of these institutions, playing at their 6th Form Ball. All the "gentlemen" were in black tie or kilts, and the "ladies" were in ballgowns. Or near enough. The lads' kilts were not made to fit - either hanging too long, or cut too short - and they wore scruffy shoes. Not to mention the long, floppy hair that could have been doing with a good comb. Maybe even a good trim. If I had been the mother of any of the boys there, I'd have been mortified to let them buy anything that poorly made.

As for the girls, they were barely wearing anything. The dresses were skimpy, and one was a steel-boned corset, and the owner nearly fell out of it. Little wonder. One lassie did fall out. Right in front of the band. I couldn't hold in the laughter.

And then the manners. There was a severe lack of those. I've seen better etiquette during feeding time at the zoo. Seriously. All the students walked around, looking down their plastic noses at me, acting the part of the rich toff's kid, pretending to be better than me - a lowly musician. But, one problem. They all had drunken staggers. Yes, rich kids in these private schools lack the ability to hold their drink. How much does it take? 1 beer and they're anyones. And that's the heavy drinkers. With alcohol in their system, they were as common as cat's dirt. If you moved out of their way, the stuck up little f*ckers didn't say thank you or anything. What happened to men being gentlemen and holding doors open for you? I had several slammed in my face. To be frank, I was very unimpressed.

Private school education doesn't seem to be worth all the money spent. All they get out of it is how to be stuck up, how to make their hair look ridiculous, and how to treat the rest of society like scum. Their lack of common sense was astounding. I would have more in my little finger than they would have collectively in a group of a hundred.

Yeah, it wasn't a great night.

Stay tuned for the weekly update coming shortly.

Dx

S'no a bad thing. Just stop drifting.

*sings* Bloooo mooooooon... *looks around* uhm... *smiles nervously* Hi. Hows it goin'? I'm feeling rather random tonight. Been a very strange day. Had plenty of sleep, yet I still feel tired. I've also seen some random films today, like Vampire in Brooklyn, and The Corpse Bride. I get confused between which day it was that I watched what. Saw Troy either today or yesterday, but I honestly can't remember. I'm going through a mythical and historic phase, so been watching films to do with ancient history. I'm weird, I know, but such is life.

Time for bed. Heaven forbid I sleep in tomorrow. PLEASE!!!!! I don't wanna go out in the snow :(

Oichdhe mhath (probably spelt that wrong, but tally ho!)

See you's tomorrow for more chit-chat on random subjects.

COMMENT!!!

Dx

Lettus o lettus o lettus eat lettuce

Well, since I'm trying to lose weight, I better update you on how I'm doing. The answer is "not very well". Or, it was. I now have some healthy foods in my fridge, like lettuce, and coleslaw, and cottage cheese. I also own ryvita, and fruit tea. Yes, this is getting serious. I want to lose some more weight, or at least feel a bit better. Ha, fat chance of that.

Sitting watching "Man About Dog". It's a brilliant film, so thanks to the person who suggested it to me (you know who you are). Seriously, if you haven't seen it, I'd recommend you find it and watch it. It's a cert.

It's now 1.30am and I'm just doing some composing. Got a really nice piano and string piece, so developing it further and further. 8 part harmony, one way or another, and it's sounding really cool. Very baroque, verging on classical, and I must admit I'm quite impressed with it. Here goes nothing!

A random aside to my composition and weightloss: I'm fascinated by ancient history, Scottish and Irish. I love learning about it, and the mythology associated with it. Just thought I'd randomly put this in! Think I might go off to bed. Nighty night.

Dx

Underwhere? No-wear.

Catering for women of all sizes is something that department stores are known for and pride themselves on. From a sleek size 4 to a shapely 30, any woman should be able to shop and find clothes for every occasion, that make them look fabulous and feel sexy. Shouldn't the same be accurate for the lingerie department?

As I said in a previous post, I struggled to find anything to fit me in a certain nameless shop, but now I will name this place - Topshop. Extortionate prices for tiny clothes, and only a couple of things in the whole store fitted me. These said items, however, were not modified to fit a larger shape, so I would have been better wearing a binliner. No joke. At first, I thought it was only a "model shop" that failed to stock anything for curvy women. I never dreamt that I'd struggle to find something in a John Lewis store.

The high street giant fails to stock lingerie for women with big boning, or a larger figure. The only reason I went there was to renew my lingerie collection. Recently I had a bra fitting, and found that I had bigger assets than I realised. So, I had to buy some new bras, and went to John Lewis to find something nice in my new size - 38D. I wasn't aware that it is a rare size.

However, after inspecting a few lines that I liked, I noticed they all had one thing in common: none of them had a back size larger than 36. Now, if this is the biggest back size, I wasn't going to have any luck in the section, since a 36 would only fit me in my dreams, or if I went on a crash diet forever more. Those of you who know me will know what my figure is like, and those of you who don't, listen close. I'm 5'7, well built, with broad shoulders, and legs that would challenge a rugby player's. Seriously. It's a nightmare getting anything to fit me right.

Anyways, after trapsing round John Lewis, I asked a saleswoman for some help. She had been running round after Rachel - she turns out to be a 30F which IS rare - and between journeys, I asked her about my size. I asked why there were no 38 backs, and you know what she said? Of course you don't. You weren't there. So I'll tell you. She said "Well, we don't bother keeping anything above a 36. There's no point". I'll tell you now, my face must have been a picture, because staring back at me were her eyes, wide open and filled with terror, and she gulped so hard it must have hurt. I was NOT impressed.

Honestly, it's ridiculous. The nation's average size for a woman is a 16. So bra sizes should generally reflect that. I'm a 16, and my back size is 38. So why aren't there more bra's around to fit? What's the reason or logic behind that? I'm sorry to rant on all the time. I just feel that the world - or at least, my readers if there are any - should know what the shopping world is like for us curvy women. It's a complete nightmare.

Gah. Tune in next time for another rant or something.

Peace out. Dx

Paprika Chicken

I randomly made some chicken tonight. It was looooovely. Probably very unhealthy, but tally ho! Here's the recipe.

1 Chicken Breast, cut into cubes
75g white rice

Coating for Chicken
1 tbsp olive oil
1 tsp paprika
1/2 tsp garlic salt

Stock/Sauce
120ml boiling water
15ml sweet chili sauce
1 tbsp brown sugar - dark muscovado preferably
1/2 chicken stock cube

Put oil and spices into a bowl and mix well. Add cubed chicken and mix until well coated. Heat a frying pan to a medium-high heat and place chicken in.
Boil water, measure into jug and add the stock cube, chili sauce and sugar. Stir until stock cube and sugar have dissolved. Once chicken is browned all round (should take 5 mins, turning occasionally), add the sauce mix and turn down to a medium heat.
While stock simmers and evaporates, boil rice in salted water.
When stock is thick and caramel-like in texture (think sticky yet fluid), remove from heat. At this time, ensure the rice is tender, then drain. Serve rice first, followed by the chicken. Enjoy! It's soooo yummy!

*Monthly Special*

Hey guys, Rachel here!

Wow. Christmas was a treat, eh? Ok, so I put on a few pounds... Not as many as I expected though, so it's all good. I say this, sitting in Starbucks with a large hot choccy and a chocolate-covered marshmallow dippy thing. And Dawn just discovered melted chocolate in her double-chocolate muffin. Wow.

Anyways. I just bought a watch... £145!!! Jeezy peeps!! It's fab though, and I found a pair of jeans that actually fit. I'm 5'1, and jeans are always too long. There's a petite range in next. And they fit fab!

Well, I better go for now. Will be doing my usual monthly post again in Feb. See you then!

Rx

Revolution?

Today, as I sat leafing through the latest Cosmo mag, sipping a large hot chocolate, nibbling on a vanilla muffin, I noticed something quite incredible. So incredible, I needed to take a second look to make sure I wasn't imagining things. I wasn't.

Models nowadays: always slim, toned, bronzed, glowing, beautiful, with perfect teeth, soft hair, perky boobs, and no cellulite, right? Well, this one was all of those things. Your typical modern day model, with all the bones that fit into those angular poses that you never see anyone sane doing in the "real world". A very pretty girl, cute, not overly thin like a twig with hair, lovely neck-length blonde hair, a gap in her teeth, soft lips, a warm smile,...

Hang on a second, I hear you say. A gap in her teeth? Yes, you read that correctly, dear readers. Finally, someone REAL has been chosen to model clothes. Or more normal than usual, anyways.

Maybe we're seeing the beginning of a revolution. Maybe "normal" people are the future of fashion. Maybe I'm just being optimistic in this body-conscious world, full of air-brushed/-pumped women, the land where trowels are used to lay make-up foundations, not cement ones. I can only hope, and maybe lead the way in giving real women - cellulite 'n' all - the chance to get ou there and flaunt what they've got, without being scared of being seen around these stick-insects that somehow rule the female (and male) realms of society.

Honestly, though. Who in their right mind (or out of it for that matter) would actually want to spend every free moment they get, pedalling on a squeaky exercise bike, depriving themselves of the foods they love, replacing them with rabbit food and straight water? I'm not saying to eat deep-fried mars bars for breakfast, followed by pepperoni pizzas for lunch, and a huge portion of greasy chips for dinner, with snacks of donuts and liquid chocolate spaced inbetween trips to the loo. I know it sounds good, but please don't. You're leaving yourself with very little choice of foods which are really special to you, and can give yourself as a treat.

Treats aren't something for blue moons. Have one when you fancy, like when you've worked really hard for something, after a hard day at work, when you're out for lunch with your girlfriends (yeah, like the Sex and the City ladies), you get the idea. We're here for a good time, so we might as well enjoy ourselves - and that includes eating what you really love! Life's too short to be standing on scales or constantly restraining your stomach with a tape-measure. I don't want to be skinny. Being nicely curvy is grand for me. Shapely. Size 0? Dream on, kiddo. If we were meant to be that small, we'd never have been given chocolate or wine! Besides, being that thin can't be all that healthy. It's bound to be far too much hard work, and certainly doesn't look that much fun.

Be proud of who you are, ladies! We're all unique, and don't need to change for anyone but ourselves. Only YOU know how you want to look. Be happy, love much, and laugh like there's no tomorrow!

Much love,

Dx

Vanilla Muffins

Well I had an idea. I've been doing a fair bit of baking and cooking lately, and some of the recipes have been reeeeally nice and tasty. My muffins were so good, so the recipe is definately going up - once I work out the weights and quantities of the ingredients. I only have a small muffin tray - holds 6 medium ones - so you'll just have to increase as necessary.

Please remember these are average measurements!

Vanilla Muffins

6oz white self-raising flour
1oz brown sugar, granulated, though soft could work as well
1 medium egg, beaten
1 1/2oz butter/margarine
150ml milk
15ml vanilla extract - MUST be extract. Essense hasn't the same flavour
A little brown sugar for topping

Preheat oven to 180ºC (I have a fan assisted oven, so use maybe 200ºC for normal ovens, or the gas equivalent).
Cream butter and sugar together until a paste. Add beaten egg and beat until light and fluffy. Add milk and mix well. Now add the vanilla extract and combine.
Spoon in flour, mixing well until there is no lumps. Several spoonfuls can be added at a time, working in with a wooden spoon until all is mixed.
Line muffin tray with cases or greaseproof paper*. Spoon mix into each case until 2/3 full. Sprinkle with a little brown sugar and pop in the oven for 20-25 mins.
Remove from oven, and cool muffins on a wire rack.

These are irrisistable. Try one after 10 minutes cooling time, and you'll be hooked. Once cooled, you can store them in an air tight container. Ideal for breakfasts on the move, or as a treat with a cuppa. Try them and let me know how you get on!

Support.

In the UK, the average woman's dress size is 16. You would think retailers would support the bigger sized ladies of our nation to look the way they want to, provide fashionable and trendy clothing that fits perfectly and looks as gorgeous on them as it did on the hanger. You would hope the shops would carry sizes for ALL women - not just stick-thin models, or anorexics.

However. Most of you will have realised that some of the high street retailers design clothes for models - THIN models - and produce the clothing to fit similar-sized women. One retailer I visited recently - I won't name them... right now - had 3 items in the whole shop which were a size 18. Most pieces on the rails were a size 6 or 8. There were even 4's in that place. It's actually getting to the stage where I can't buy anything if I'm out with friends. They go to their kind of shops, and I'm going to mine, and it's a lonely way to do things. It also makes me very self-concious if I see all these skinny girls going round rails, picking out really nice clothes in the smallest sizes, and if I go up, I have to look for the largest, which is never in stock, if they're even made that big.

Sorry, I just had to rant about that because it really gets to me. I want to wear nice things and don't want to feel like I have to be a size 6 to buy a pair of friggin' jeans in a shop. Sure, I set this blog up to track my progress while I lose weight, but part of that is showing WHY I want to do it, or feel like I need to. If shops would start creating clothes to suit the average woman in Britain, I think the population of women above a size 10 would be very happy. I certainly would.

Weight loss: Well, I've not weighed myself, been to the gym, or pigged out. I've been really good and got a new target. I don't know it in weight, but once I fit into my leather jacket again - better than I did before - then I'll be happy to stop there, or go a little bit further, down to the nearest dress size. I never want to be a size 10. Someone with shoulders as big as mine does not suit being a size 10. Or a 12 for that matter. A 14 is perfect, though I still have to buy shirts and jackets bigger for the sheer breadth of my back and shoulders. There's nothing I can do there, unless I get a grater and start to shave the bones. Nah, didn't think that sounded good either. Not very tempting.

So, I'm aiming for a very comfortable 14. Not far to go now! Mainly, I just want to be a little more lean. Not like a walking skeleton; a stocky build with power behind me, plenty of good muscle, and less fatty stuff. I'd be happy at that.

Again.

What a great start to the day. Well, it's 1.47pm, but still. Another half foot of snow on the ground, and it's not blowing anywhere. Damn. We can cope with drifting and blizzards. But snow that just piles up, sitting there, heavy, just causes havoc. Part of a shed is down - just lucky my horse had wandered off before it happened. Anyways, yes. I found out that someone I fell for has found someone else. Felt like I took a bullet. But oh well. I should have seen it coming. Nothing's meant to work out for me.

Note to self: Never trust a guy that promises not to hurt you. Because the bastard will. Every. Bloody. Time. Why can't I just find a genuine guy that isn't going to mess with my heart and my head? Why is it so difficult to find? Are you all the same now?

Now, I realise I'm generalising, and I'll get a complaint once this post is published, but I mean every other guy. Why do you all let my heart fall for you, when you are never really willing to catch it? You always let it smash on the ground, and I'm left to try and find the pieces again. I always miss some. A couple of bits have been missing since last summer. I'll never get those back.

If there is a guy out there that ISN'T going to break my heart, who will stand by me, and not run away at the slightest sign of difficulty, will he please get in touch? Because I'm sick of standing round waiting for you to show up. All these guys - I could name them, but I'm too much of a nice girl - just screw me up and break my heart time after time. I have a lot of love to give, but every time I get my heart broken, a little bit of my love is lost, along with a chunk of trust.

Hurry up.

Dx

Food, Glorious Food

Well, so much for the diet. It's cold, snowy, and I need to keep my strength up for digging my way out of the house. Yes, we have lots of snow. Although, I've not had to dig so far. I just thought it was appropriate for me to do a random blog. Random in every way, though I'll keep it topical - food.

So, my top foods? I can't pick a food that comes top, but a list of my favourites.

Rice crispies, bacon, primula cheese - so much better than Dairylea! - eggy bread, Ben & Jerry's Half Baked ice cream, crumbed ham, strawberries, mango... Yorkshire puddings, roast beef, steak, carrot, potato, creamed cabbage, salmon, sweetcorn, chicken, sweet'n'sour, peppered mash, shortbread... Whippy ice cream, peaches, sticky toffee pudding, fish&chips, fish fingers and white sauce... Spaghetti hoops, Campbell's Tomato soup, and toast.

Some list, but it's just my favourites.

How could I forget! Chocolate =D The very best of all. Nothing better than a wonderful chocolate tart!

What's your favourite food?

As for the weather, we have 2 feet of snow. If the wind gets up, this means I'm going to be snowed in for a while. Just very glad that I have the big Isuzu and my dad to get food! Must say, it's all very picturesque around here today.

I'll be back later with another post.

Dx

The Hiccup Duck

Happy New Year, everyone! What a start it's been! Carrbridge was such a success. Not as many people there this year, but it was still a great night. Mucho drinking was done, and I can't exactly walk anymore, but that's from dancing far too much. Just hurts to walk, or cough, or laugh, or hiccup. Honestly, it's quite funny, and I must look like a duck, but there's not much I can do about that. Just thought I'd pop on and post my first blog of the new year before heading to bed. Have college tomorrow, so that'll be good fun. Just hope there's not too much snow to delay trains or anything. On the other hand, I kinda hope there is, but I won't tempt fate either way.

I have a new book that I'm reading. Divine by Mistake. Completely hooked, so going to have a bit of reading time after my shower. Not long though, since I'm up at 6am. Ouch! I can see this hurting in the morning. But tally ho. Such is life.

Off for now, so will put up a better post tomorrow night. Oichdhe Mhath (Think I've spelt that a little wrong, but you get the idea. Unless you don't speak gaelic - in which case, Good night).

Dx