During the past few days, I've been doing a lot of thinking. Yes, I'm aware that's dangerous, but I have a cold and my brain doesn't think anything through properly. I have discovered a few things about myself - including the fact that I hate being alone. I really, really, really hate being on my own. I often wonder what I did to deserve the lonliness I feel, but I can't work it out, no matter how hard I try. I just don't get it. Maybe in a past life, I screwed up so much that I'll never find love in this life. Or maybe, I made such a mess in this one, that I'll never find anyone to accept me for who I am, regardless of how many mistakes I've made or what I've done to others. Whatever I did, I'm sorry, and I will be eternally grateful if whoever is up there would stop piling all this crap onto me.
To be honest, I don't know who/what is up there. Be it God, Allah, Santa Claus, or the muffin man. Whoever it is, I don't honestly care. I'll love you, worship you forever if you'd just give me a break for once in my life, and let me find happiness. Is that too much to ask for? Seriously?
All I've ever wanted is to find someone to care for me, be genuine enough not to mess with my heart and my head. Someone to look after me when I'm ill, let me do the same for them, accept me for who I am. Acknowledge my ambitions and support me through life, not doubting the love in my heart and allowing me to dream like there's no tomorrow. There's gotta be someone out there willing to do at least one of these things, hasn't there?
If this sounds like you, please do get in contact. And if you already have, tell me. Talk to me. I don't bite. Unless asked to. Sheesh, I sound like I'm writing some Lonely Souls ad, and failing miserably. I'm not that desperate. I just want to be loved. Gah.
Anyways, time for bed, or contemplation of bed anyways. It's nearly midnight and I'm unwell. Oooh time for Covonia! *Sings Covonia song*
Night night,
D for Doughball. xx
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