21st March 2011

Because I can't think of another title. Because I can't be bothered thinking of another title. Because I can't be bothered with anything, including food. This is bad. I have felt completely useless all day, as if I'm in the way, as if I'm normally holding people up and today is the day they decide to show me. Today I've learnt that I'm the one that stops others from doing their work, and that really depresses me. If people really think this about me, then why don't they tell me before? Because they're scared I might go mental? No fear of that. I'm all talk, no walk, as it were. I don't like confrontation and if it does happen, then I'm silent. I go into defensive mode, and defensive mode = cry. Or maybe that's why people don't tell me things. They're scared I might cry. God, I sound like a sissy. Purely because I am. Really.

For example, if I have to change job, I'll have to cancel my membership to a 24hr gym. Yes, you read that right. I won't have time for the bloomin' thing. What I mean is, I don't want to go on my own. I'm nervous entering a tiny room on my own and a huge gym full of strangers is my idea of hell, especially since there will no doubt be a lot of skinny women there who are trying to achieve size zero. I'm maybe being over-reactive, but I do not want to go on my own. Although, it seems that my partner has been thinking too and doesn't actually want me to go. Booking things behind my back, then telling me when they are, knowing full well that a) I can't make it and b) I'll never go on my own, thus stopping me going at all. Then again, it could be my brain that's telling me to believe all this, but none the less, I've not been told otherwise, so I'll trust my mushy brain. For now.

All in all, today has been completely crap and I feel totally deflated. To make things worse, I really can't be bothered doing anything so I won't even get up to cook myself happy. Maybe this is a good thing since I'd only end up making something sinfully fattening and gluttonous! So in the end, it's probably better I don't move off my fat arse. (Which is only growing fatter by the day, may I add! Stress isn't really good for me!)

So if you can think of a way I can re-inflate myself (get your mind out of the gutter!) then do get in touch. And maybe also if you have a recipe guaranteed to make me happy but won't pile on the pounds, since I don't need any help with that, apparently.